Fire Eye'd Boy

Early costume halloween parties, german recipes for deceiving shots.
procrastination, under achieving, losing my cell phone, acid after effects and loving gabe, craving new york so much, schools almost over too dude! I am doing well...I usually get lazy half way through but I'm getting things done. But I'll never take on 16 hours again. It's too much work for my brain right now.
And Jeff Mangum is awesome!
Front man of Neutral Milk Hotel! I'm going to burn me some cds.
look how cheesy this video i made is!



Aw, I miss him. :]

ATTENTION!

attention.

My vein.

I love school.
I always want to be in school.
This city needs improvement.
It needs awareness of its capacities.
The sarcasm and stereotypes about El Paso residents is really annoying and sadly also very true.
It's too broad and I personally don't think I stand in that general category.
Seriously I'm going to be as completely honest as I can be to everyone, begining with myself. I'm not going to fake enjoying my presence around someone I think is an idiot or wrong. There's nothing wrong in a friendly debate, right? It's so annoying that I've always been that way and I'm so fed up with it!
On the outside I'm passive, so passive..but it masks my laziness to speak because no one sticks around long enough to listen. It' always so back and forth.
I believe in myself man, I don't know if I believe in anything else here but i do believe in me and that's fucking all I should care about. That and Gabe, I want to put my face in his caved chest again I've never been so comfortable with anyone. It's incredible, this feeling. While some people find it silly, ha-ha I don't care!
No one cares that I care and I understand that and that's why I laugh.
Philosophy is ruling my brain right now, it's awesome. Egoism sucks! But I'm looking out for my best interest now.I will gain satisfaction helping people and situations that need the guidance or motivation to succeed. I'm not known for doing any of that but there's little any one knows about what I can do. Actually anyone can but it's my drive and my calling i think.
i had an epiphany last night.
And now I don't want to fear anything. So take me on!
Anyway.... I cut my own hair shortly before my ephiphany.


some may call it an identity crisis.(before)

and after...

(my rusty photoshop skills, it's been a while my love.)
They are way shorter than I intended them to be.
So I'm going to be Lydia Deetz again for Eriks Costume party this weekend.
but blah I'm less and less bitter as the days pass.
I'm sort of sorry for being socially awkward these past few year but I find it really funny when everyone pretends to hear or gets frustrated haha.
It's actually pretty tragic but I'm over it and working on that.
Oh yeah if you havent' seen this video already you shoud fucking see it, it's Devendra Banharts new music video for "carmensita" And his recently ex gf Natalie Portman is in it. It's all Bollywooded out,right? i dunno that's what i would describe it as.

Tea Boogies & then some goosies

How to take on more than you can chew.

If you're not used to it, ya can't just jump on in.
You can but expect to roll under the wheel more than twice.
Check out the skids on my face!
The bags under my eyes hold the blackness of all the universe.
Swollen with galaxies.
But mostly just stress and insomnia.

But hey! I'm smiling.
Because of this bit of news:
I sent Joe Jack of the Dead Milkman an e-mail like a couple of days ago,
telling him I'm a fan blah blah and asking if he would perform here in El Paso if I could get a venue for him to perform at
and then threw in the whole "I'll wine and dine you at Chicos" not thinking he would respond, not thinking he would even respond so quickly! But he did. That cute little nasally philli weirdo might come to perform solo, eco friendly, unplugged. Or possibly with The Dead Milkmen but of course minus Dave.
They're "re-grouping" at Fun Fun Fun Fest, so let's go!

I get so excited about things and tend to over analyze what actually will happen.
So I hope that this isn't one of those moments. I'm already practicing what I'm going to talk to him about when he comes.
"can i get you a beer, dude?"
"oh of course, duffy."
"here you go, on the house."
"come on tour with me, duffy. you're cool."
"yeah dude, lets go."

then we'll take over the world one retard at a time.
that was the best way i thought i could speak to him casually.

Anyway... I'm re-taking my SATs this Saturday.
wish me luck.

Superunconnected.

Lately I've been gaining a lot of loss. Death,love,hope,courage. All that jazz.
I feel so out of tune with everything. People and my place in life right now.
I can't even define where I am supposed to be or where I feel I'm at right now but I'm not there and you're not here.

I have a black balloon full of liquid loss and it's stretching the rubber thin.
Very thin.
It needs a needle, a cigarette or a throw.
Pop the damn thing...
I want it to
rain all over oppurtunities.
To inseminate the seeds of success and strength.
So I might gain a little laughter and confidence.
But on a little lighter note,
This woman has some amazing pipes.
I wish I was connected to them pipes.

on the god damn road again

I continue my Journey without a few of my comrades.
My journey through everyday life.
Most of them actually. Our roads led different opportunities
and I'm still on the same one trying to figure out what mine is.

Here I am with a burden of responsibility
and it's all mine, all mine. The lesson; is your will
arduous enough to step up to this plate?
Ready or not, you damn well better be.
the road merely guides you, you follow and belay your destination.
Effort and motivation is required to progress.
Make sure you fuel up.

nothing is too weird.
liquid confidence.
i look different but i'm just like everyone else. i'm normal
fuck mumbles.
how many minutes should i wait until i text back?
dont talk to me at all.
stop.shut up. this is our conversation
write what you choose to say
giggle giggle sip sip
i like thinking out loud but you think i mean what i say but i never really do. i'velied to you my whole life. i dont stand for anything or believe in anything that i say i do. how do you feel about that?
tssss tssss tsssss.
stop lying jessica.
my mind is way to blurry, everything fuzzy, i don't like it but i cant stop making it that way, so lets talk about this liquid confidence.
it makes me vomoit out words that i mean
and i dont want people to know what i really mean
i dont get why we regret it the morning after
if thats the honest truth.
why can't we be honest without liquid confidence?
we mask it with lies white and black.
it's silly.
and thats why i want to drink all of the time. so i can vomit all over you.
its funny to have thoughts and words come out of my finger tips.
my mouth has no purpose right now, its just there taking up space on my face.
hurtingggg.or hungry? ouch
i love sarah she's so weird.
i am too but she understands how to be weird which is also know as
being yourself.
no one acts like themself because they don't know how to
sarah and i are considered weird because we dont give a fuck and do things
publicly
that "normal" people would
do behind a closed bathroom door.
we should just drink some more vodka.
i dont know
romeo and juliet one?
i can't stop thinking about nude.
heh ehe heheh
i know me neither.
wait sarah has an idea
wierd? whats weird? who decides.
its basically rebeling
society has rules and certain ways people should do or be like
wierd is breaking through these actions into another level, an unfamiliar one and uncommon at that.

you want me?
so come on and break the door down,
ill be waiting
why did i say cock, thats awkward



my ears dont drum any more.
they are non drumming ears
so i guess they wont be in the band this year

i'm so indecisive.
i like leaves.
i'm not scared to give him that stpid present.
especially that i'm drunk know.
hey what did you tell them?
i dont knoww.
pshhh....
you just forgot?
yeah
i want to see my brain, i want to know how it works
i want to follow my thoughts through the noodles and make sure that each thought gets safley to its destination. then ill tuck it in and kiss it goodnight.
what are feelings? they are invisible and still worse then any other visible thing out there. we cant touch it we cant see it we cant smell it.
i have a pain in my brain
silence is a bore
jessicas a hore
i want to pass out on the floor
caring is creepy
im not sleepy
fuck your teepee
were going peepee
i feel like sunglasses at night. useless but still fashionable

I Got To You But There Was Nothing Left.

"Yab Yum"





So I left on Friday to Albuquerque and have returned as of 3 hours ago. I dind't care too much about the reason we went there for but i enojyed very much the people that we met. They were very gracious with their shelter and drinks. And just enjoying our company and introducing us to what they do for fun. They have kickball games on Sundays and drink out from a keg during half time. I love Albuquerque. More than I've ever have loved it. ay more. See it's good to take a gander at everything more than once. Dont be so quick to judge you definately might miss out. I didn't think i could read much while being on the road but i read a good forty pages into dharma bums...oh i love that book. There's so much insight.
Kerouac is always getting me giddy with his way with words. He was so down with anything and he was always learning new things. He's a great observer for sure.
He was looking for that bit of peace with patience and travel and encounters with other humans along the way. What an admirable man he was, is, has become. Always will be.




"This is what they do in temples of Tibet. It's holy ceremony, it's done just like this in front of chanting priests. People pray and recite Om Mani Pahdme Hum, which means Amen the Thunderbolt in the Dark Void. I'm the thunerbolt and Princess is the dark void, you see."

Aside

i love the weakerthans.
they advise me without knowing.
and they reassure me without knowing.
they do a lot without knowing.
i hope i have done or do that to someone or will.


"Measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare, the time it takes to get from here to there. My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free; I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely. I am so much better than I used to be. Terrified of telephones and shopping mall, and knives, and drowning in the pools of other lives. Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony. Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay. Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty. Armed with every precious failure, and amateur cartography, I breathe in deep before I spread these maps out on my bedroom floor. Leaving. Wave goodbye. Losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember. Sing my imperfect offering. "

Of course you can paint on me.

The things I miss...
The people I miss...
I don't understand what I'm rying to accopmlish by
talking to him still.
I have so much false hope.
The pretty picture painted in my head isn't really that pretty.
I'm just a suckah and I'm down for any attention I can get from him.
NO matter the circumstance. What a desperado.
why don't you come to your senses?
Well I don't have normal ones. or Common sensical ones.
I live life vicariously through a girl that I made up in my head.
She's everything i could want to be and she has everything i could ever want/need.
But My bubble pops once you realistic people tell me how it isn't.
If I'm masking my avoiding what i should do and I'm happy with it then isn't that alright?
Heart break is the worst pain I've felt in life so far.
As soon as something stings me worse than that.
I might get a grip.
I'm ignorantly stubborn.
So I'm going to persist yet again in about five minutes.
you really have ruined me.

Silencio

The people that I admire are the people that are little weirdos.
The one's who don't give a fuck, the ones who aren't "normal" according to
a "perfect society". All you rebels. I'm not sure where the hell my decisions in life
will take me but i hope at least it's taking me somewhere. Along with all my little oddball aquaintances and friends. Don't ever leave my world
or everything i love will die. You make up the best part of the world.
we dress up the earth and give it style and hope and make it okay to be yourself.
At least we try to.
i'm in love. will it come back to us?
or will we talk about it only?
i need to act on it really soon before it goes away.
help me love.
pussy pussy marijuana.

BYork, BYork

What the hell mang?
Bjork is my favorite living anything.
I'm packing my bags and movin' into her brain.
Imagine what a neighborhood in Bjorks' brain would look like.
Instead of creepy and disease infested flies hovering over my trash
She'd probably want this lil' dude hovering my trash.
Meester Fly, she calls him. haha. Fuck dude I'm down for Bjork to have a BYork, BYork city. So... Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' today. I want to be a part of it in ol' BYork. If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. Come on Come through BYork, BYork!
Alright I'm done for now.
I'll edit much more later. Heh Heh.

You Couldn't Lose Me If you Tried.

Love you all the time
Even though you’re not mine
Love you all the time
Dream I’m in the saltwater

Timing’s gone all bad
Broken faith and a broken way
You couldn’t lose me if you tried
‘Cos I’ll be rollin’ to your side, baby

Love you all the time
Even though you’re not mine
Love you all the time
Broken faith and a broken way

You couldn’t lose me if you tried

SXSW

So, SXSW is coming up in less than two weeks. here are a list of bands i'm excited to see:

-Matt and Kim
-The mother fuckin' Breeders.
-Kimya mother flippin' Dawson
-Lou Reed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Q-Tip
-No Age
-Vampire Weekend
-MSTRKRFT
-Tokyo Police Club
-The Weakerthans!! ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't wait. This line up isn't nearly as great as last years
but last years wasn't even THAT great.
Well, It's all about the new music and what not.
I'm excited to see some crazy shit. I know that there will be cool ass shit going down on 6th street. Last year we met some cool ass dudes playing on their buckets and dancing around and people would start flowin and break dancin out of no where.
hell yeah!
bleh this is a boring blog but i'm off to slumber and dream of essays, music and cry baby.
i need to fucking speak up and quit mumbling and being quiet!
stop it duff. y. bye.

Excuses

"once again

I hear of somebody who is going to
settle down and
do their work,
painting or writing or whatever,

as soon as they get a better light
installed,

or as soon as they move to a new
city.
or as soon as they come back from the trip they

have been planning.
or as soon as........


it’s simple; they just don’t want
to do it.

or they can’t do it,

otherwise they’d feel a burning
itch from hell
they could not ignore
and "soon"

would turn quickly into

"now."


-Bukowski.

The Largest Music Collection In the World To Be Sold.

Wow. Imagine owning every record ever released?! Every genre of music from shitcore to ummmm country newwave death metal. Apparently the old geezer is ridding of his collection for health and aging reasons. The bidding starts at $3,000,000.00 big ones. But that collection isn't nearly worth that little. Take a gander at this beautiful sight:


and thats only one shelf.



This is Paul MaWhinney holding a Rolling Stones Record worth $10,000 cola nuts.

The Most Viewed and Watched Listing Ever on eBay!

"New Important Information for Those Serious About Bidding. See Below:

From Thomas Edison to American Idol, this is the complete history of the music that shaped and defined five generations. 3 million records and 300,000 CDs containing more than 6 million song titles. It's the undisputed largest collection of recorded music in the world. About half of the recordings are new and never played, and every genre of 20th century music is represented. There are countless rare recordings worth hundreds, or even thousands of dollars each on the collectibles market. Organized and cataloged, the collection is meticulously maintained and housed in a climate-controlled warehouse. The estimated value of this amazing collection is more than $50 million."

Click here if you feel like drooling over this or maybe you want to take the first bid.

Cry-Baby

So recently I just auditioned for Center Stage El Paso (thanks to lil' MC for introducing me.)
And I made the cast! :] It wasn't as nerve wrecking or difficult as I thought it would be so thats really good. There are a lot of talented people in it and there's a variety of ages.
This Show is called "On Broadway" and we'll be performing different skits and songs from musicals such as" Hairspray, RENT, Cry-Baby, Annie and others. But it's got to do with the trials and tribulations of all broadways and what not. I have a solo for Cry-Baby singing "Please, Mister Jailer" :] I'm really excited to see how we all work together.
anyway

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