comatose vamanos

I actually enjoy my depression. I feel the most inspired and then I feel a lot of other penetrated emotions, most of them a horrid experience but an occasional boost in the right direction. How creepy am I? I love listening to bright Eyes and Elliot Smith and Deerhunter and love songs that remind me of love and past loves.

I'm in love with love and lousy poetry. I've cringed my friends away and isolation is the the only option right now and I think I can dig it. Too many deaths physically...too many deaths ideally. Once you are born you begin to die and that is what the world has in common and there's no escape unless you of course self inflict your beautiful soul. I've been fascinated with my presence amongst a variety of others theirs and my reactions.....a range of conversations...shallow and awkward...creepy...flirty. And my mind exists elsewhere but I'm so great at responding and appropriately not responding.

I want to exist in a different dimension not inebriation but a floating dimension that removes a lot of the evil in all of us. Take away our cognitive thinking and allow us to be wild wild wilddddddddd, silent and indigenous. Everything is easier said than done but now I will act and do. My lazy days are over once i flee El Paso. I love you but you're bringing me down EP....give me a while and I'll get back to you. oh yeah this is the love of my life.... Vietnam broke my heart.

baby trip. te amo.

Building nothing out of Something

Sadness is the toughest sting to overcome. Being forced to decide what is better for yourself over what is better for 'us' is even trickier. I hardly think about what I should do benefit myself. I can't collect like others. I just collect others that need to collect.I feel like I rely on a companion of any sort to guide me and I think that that is what you should do some of the times but in the end I feel like you should have absorbed and pushed away. I've seen this and maybe I should. This tingling confusion in my collarbone is making me tear up. Decisions like these are hard to make and I wish I could take full responsibility of my own life at this point. It's harder when you're in love. It's harder when you're a bitch and in love. It's harder when you know that you're a bitch and you can't stop acting like one and still in love. After Obsession follows withdrawals. How do you control yourself?
Google it. Google your question for everything.
i'm swollen with tears and mucus and options that feel like i have no option.
what does a bitch do?

Fire Eye'd Boy

Early costume halloween parties, german recipes for deceiving shots.
procrastination, under achieving, losing my cell phone, acid after effects and loving gabe, craving new york so much, schools almost over too dude! I am doing well...I usually get lazy half way through but I'm getting things done. But I'll never take on 16 hours again. It's too much work for my brain right now.
And Jeff Mangum is awesome!
Front man of Neutral Milk Hotel! I'm going to burn me some cds.
look how cheesy this video i made is!



Aw, I miss him. :]

ATTENTION!

attention.

My vein.

I love school.
I always want to be in school.
This city needs improvement.
It needs awareness of its capacities.
The sarcasm and stereotypes about El Paso residents is really annoying and sadly also very true.
It's too broad and I personally don't think I stand in that general category.
Seriously I'm going to be as completely honest as I can be to everyone, begining with myself. I'm not going to fake enjoying my presence around someone I think is an idiot or wrong. There's nothing wrong in a friendly debate, right? It's so annoying that I've always been that way and I'm so fed up with it!
On the outside I'm passive, so passive..but it masks my laziness to speak because no one sticks around long enough to listen. It' always so back and forth.
I believe in myself man, I don't know if I believe in anything else here but i do believe in me and that's fucking all I should care about. That and Gabe, I want to put my face in his caved chest again I've never been so comfortable with anyone. It's incredible, this feeling. While some people find it silly, ha-ha I don't care!
No one cares that I care and I understand that and that's why I laugh.
Philosophy is ruling my brain right now, it's awesome. Egoism sucks! But I'm looking out for my best interest now.I will gain satisfaction helping people and situations that need the guidance or motivation to succeed. I'm not known for doing any of that but there's little any one knows about what I can do. Actually anyone can but it's my drive and my calling i think.
i had an epiphany last night.
And now I don't want to fear anything. So take me on!
Anyway.... I cut my own hair shortly before my ephiphany.


some may call it an identity crisis.(before)

and after...

(my rusty photoshop skills, it's been a while my love.)
They are way shorter than I intended them to be.
So I'm going to be Lydia Deetz again for Eriks Costume party this weekend.
but blah I'm less and less bitter as the days pass.
I'm sort of sorry for being socially awkward these past few year but I find it really funny when everyone pretends to hear or gets frustrated haha.
It's actually pretty tragic but I'm over it and working on that.
Oh yeah if you havent' seen this video already you shoud fucking see it, it's Devendra Banharts new music video for "carmensita" And his recently ex gf Natalie Portman is in it. It's all Bollywooded out,right? i dunno that's what i would describe it as.

Tea Boogies & then some goosies

How to take on more than you can chew.

If you're not used to it, ya can't just jump on in.
You can but expect to roll under the wheel more than twice.
Check out the skids on my face!
The bags under my eyes hold the blackness of all the universe.
Swollen with galaxies.
But mostly just stress and insomnia.

But hey! I'm smiling.
Because of this bit of news:
I sent Joe Jack of the Dead Milkman an e-mail like a couple of days ago,
telling him I'm a fan blah blah and asking if he would perform here in El Paso if I could get a venue for him to perform at
and then threw in the whole "I'll wine and dine you at Chicos" not thinking he would respond, not thinking he would even respond so quickly! But he did. That cute little nasally philli weirdo might come to perform solo, eco friendly, unplugged. Or possibly with The Dead Milkmen but of course minus Dave.
They're "re-grouping" at Fun Fun Fun Fest, so let's go!

I get so excited about things and tend to over analyze what actually will happen.
So I hope that this isn't one of those moments. I'm already practicing what I'm going to talk to him about when he comes.
"can i get you a beer, dude?"
"oh of course, duffy."
"here you go, on the house."
"come on tour with me, duffy. you're cool."
"yeah dude, lets go."

then we'll take over the world one retard at a time.
that was the best way i thought i could speak to him casually.

Anyway... I'm re-taking my SATs this Saturday.
wish me luck.

Superunconnected.

Lately I've been gaining a lot of loss. Death,love,hope,courage. All that jazz.
I feel so out of tune with everything. People and my place in life right now.
I can't even define where I am supposed to be or where I feel I'm at right now but I'm not there and you're not here.

I have a black balloon full of liquid loss and it's stretching the rubber thin.
Very thin.
It needs a needle, a cigarette or a throw.
Pop the damn thing...
I want it to
rain all over oppurtunities.
To inseminate the seeds of success and strength.
So I might gain a little laughter and confidence.
But on a little lighter note,
This woman has some amazing pipes.
I wish I was connected to them pipes.